Dork offspring, nature, and, well, boogers of course

I know, it's been awhile... I just thought I should share this story. I posted this at my blog, but I'm reposting for your reading pleasure. Get your tissues ready, it's a real humdinger. *sniff*

Emma has recently (meaning the last 3 months) learned to employ new torture tactics. At the first sign of any adversity (meaning anything not going her way), she screams (meaning blood curdling, horror movie ,shrieks of despair).

John has been out of town for mandatory training since last Sunday, and the children of the corn have been most disagreeable in his absence, to the point of the gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair... and eventual fantasies of joining the witness protection program on his return.

Which would be today, thank you Jesus.

Anywho, digressions aside...Emma shrieked today and I decided that the penalty, henceforth, shall be instant and immediate time out.

No pleas, no excuses... *imagine me saying, with my "talk to the hand" salute* BUP BUP BUP! Time out!

So, she sits a few feet away from me on her Little Tykes picnic table, demanding a tissue.

"Nope," I say, "we are outside, and you are in time out. I'm not going inside just to get a tissue."

"But I need a tissue..." She produces a largish boog on her pointer finger.

"Bah!" I shrink back a little , only because, OK the booger was massive, "Use nature's tissue. Here's a leaf." I pluck a leaf from the weeds nearby.

"OK," she says giggling, relishing the thought of wiping her boog on greenery.

Oh my, -I think-... what have I begun.

I start in on sharing a wondrous piece of history with my precious babe, "You know, there was a time when people didn't have toilet paper. They had to use leaves. Can you imagine that?"

I look over at Emma , just as she replies "nope", and just in time to find her wrapping a leaf around her boog finger and sticking it up her nose tissue style.

" No," I yell, "Your supposed to... I meant..." This is where I begin to try to hide my amusement and stifle hysterical laughter.

And fail miserably, as usual.

She stops, looking up at me as I try to compose myself and my words, waiting...

With the leaf still stuffed up her nose.

Some how I'm thinking that the fine art of "leaf blowing" was not included in Dr. Spock's book. Or parenting 101. But, I am proud to have taught her to appreciate the great outdoors.

Silver lining people, silver lining.

Emma, last month, enjoying ham-ing it up for the camera. I think she inherited the class clown gene from her momma.
God help us.

I feel so dirty...

The commercial with the overworked personal assistant who fills the supermodel's water bottle with the hot tub water of hairy-lounge-lizardy old men?

Makes me happy.

Have you ever played evil tricks on people? If so, what is your all time favorite? Are there any that you'd NOT do if you could go back? My brush with the pink slip wasn't ACTUALLY evil, it was just taken that way by the evil accountant...

Dorkus Pinkslipus

Ah, friends, it's been a while since I've had something worthy of the Dorkbloggers pantheon of truly bad moves.

But I am Dork, hear me stutter and stammer and try to explain.

See, it's like this. There's this stupid box of tampons in the ladies room at work. They were donated by my arch nemesis, the Eeeeeevil Accountant. To stress her benevolence, she put a note on them.

The note said "Anyone can use."

Anyone? I think not.

I smirked at this stewpid note for weeks, and finally, I could resist no more. I wish I could say that I searched far and wide for an alternate picture, but I didn't. I used the one I knew I had at work, the one of the Uber Boss and I at Halloween. I cut myself out of the picture, put a question mark in a little bubble over his head, and taped it onto the note so he was laughing as he read her note.

I started freaking world war three. An international incident. Severing all diplomatic ties and withdrawing the staff from the embassy. Anyone staying in country would be on their own.

Rather than take it the way I had intended it, as a dig at the author of the note, the Eeeevil accountant decided that someone had called the Uber bosses' masculinity into question, and she rushed it to him. Presented in such a scandalized, hysterical tone, everyone interpreted it the same way she had. What the?

Oh, shit, wait, no, that.. um... hey, no one was looking at the mild mannered dork at the front of the bus, because they all read vicious evil intentions into the damned thing. I could just skate by unscathed...not.

I tried all day to speak to the Uber boss alone, to explain how hideously wrong it had all gone, but HIS boss was there, too. I finally sent him an email, and he called me while I was on the phone. I trudged to his office to grovel, and he LAUGHED at me as I closed the door.

The Uber Boss, being the coolest guy ever to get stuck in management, saw exactly where I had been trying to go. He appreciated that I told him that there wasn't some employee secretly carrying out weird grudges against him, just a dork with no sense of foresight.

My Friends, based on the office hysteria, I totally dodged a pink slip today, due to my dorky nature. Thank you lord tiny baby jeebus for giving me a boss with a sense of humor. (I put on a bald cap two years ago and took a picture sitting at his desk with my feet up--this may have been my second close call).

Dear Al Gore...

Today......my dorkiness got the better of me and I posted a few entries to Al Gore. They focused largely on my brushing and shoveling several inches of global warming off my car and driveway.

I believed he'd respond.........I feel soiled...used and dirty....:)

Even dorks have bad hair days ;)

This self-proclaimed dork (SighlentJ on Flickr)has wayyyyy too much time on his hands. I am digging his dorky do's though. Click the link to read about his misadventures in mane management.

Edit to add: I just found another picture of his that I love, click here to see it and read what it's about... I think I might just have a new dork crush. Sorry Conan!

I blame Stumble.

On Michigan and fruit flies......

OK...so this is a little embarrassing, but I have a confession. My house and I have a battle going on now with a vermin known as FRUIT FLIES!!...Long deep music score.

Michigan has had a real problem with them this year, but thats no real consolation when your kids toss something in the trash bin...and they get kamakazeed by 150 of the lil bastards.....which ofcourse means I had to man up..

My 1st move was to simply move the trash outside, simple yes? No trash, lil bastards would die off. So that plan failed as I noticed that a single lemon rind could breed 300 a day.....

My 2nd...and I think my most brilliant move........was to go old school. I took the bold step and decided bug spray was bad, my mom never used it......my mom had a better solution......it was called.....Aqua Net...

My mom went through 5 cans of Aqua Net a week, cig in one hand and can in the other....we all lived...no bugs....surely.......this plan can not go wrong!!! I mean it's perfect........airborn glue sticking to their wings and your hair......they should and would drop like...well...flies!!

A trip to the store and some questions quickly led me to the realization that I could no longer buy Aquanet...and the 20 sumfin girl looked at me like I had clubbed a baby seal for even suggesting it. This was depressing.

I settled for a can of Suave, extra hold. Suave extra hold......is a hairspray that no only does not kill fruit flies, but gives them a natural gloss and shine. They seem to like it. Do not buy this hairspray to kill fruitflies!!!! They eat it!!!

I felt old....and grumpy when I admitted defeat, then went to ace hardware, bought a can of flying insect kill spray. My wife is still chuckling.........