Monday, May 21, 2007

dorky versus

I've already said how much I love the cult of Chuck. I think this is hysterical:

10 Reasons Johnny Cash OWNS Chuck Norris

Reason 1.Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris

Reason 2.Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.

Reason 3.Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.

Reason 4.Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.

Reason 5.When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.

Reason 6.Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.

Reason 7.Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.

Reason 8.Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.

Reason 9.Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.

Reason 10.Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja's ass is easy compared to kicking a drug's ass.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Dorky Friday.......

Is it wrong to not just ponder...but actively partake in mischief??? Time I guess will tell:)

Being both Dork, geek, and perv....not to mention bad at math via this sentence, I had a mischievous dork moment today.

The geek in me is attempting to hardwire an old stereo preamp and turntable to my pc...we have alot of old records we want to digitize. I was all cool and proud of myself for killing time while out of town for hitting up the local radio crap store to buy the proper cables...yak with the sales clerk...and hit the road home.

I'm about an hour into my return trip and dork moment hit me, I had bought the wrong ass cables!! Granted they were proper on paper...that they were rca one end...1/8 inch stereo the other......but the damn things were RCA male.......grrr. What to do.....what to do...hey..there's an ABC Warehouse......lets go peek!!!

Sure enough..they had the female to female rca adapters I needed...and cheap too. I can sneak outta here for less than $4 bucks....thats cheaper and less funny than toilet paper stuck to your shoe...this is a good day!

Then as the pretty young gal is ringing up my purchase while we comes...the spanish inquisition..aka...fbi profile moment. "First Name?" ( hate this crap.....always followed by zip code and phone you don't need to have to sell me $4 dollars worth of anything!! )

I did the only thing that seemed proper my mood at the time. I gave the name, zipcode and direct phone number of the boss that let me go this feb. I'm sure he'll enjoy the special offers coming his way soon!! :)

Saturday, May 12, 2007

A rather disturbing post.....not for the squeamish...:)

So I wake up bright and early to pick up some hours at a brand new job. It's part time, it's grunt work....but hell it's work, and it gets me off my ass. To tell ya the truth, I've been dreading this job. Not because of the work, but because I know most of these guys...and well, long story...but my stomach was churning.

Mistake one.....gorging on Pizza the night before.

Mistake two.....Gulping down a 16oz of cherry juice before leaving.

Mistake three...Mistaking the churning in my stomach for a need to sip my coffee while driving to the new job.

As I'm wiping the vomit off the dashboard with an old flannel shirt, pondering the texture and pretty colours, it occours to me to call the shop.

So I was late my 1st day, they were actually amused.....and I'm now very suspect of cherry juice!! :)

Monday, May 7, 2007

Could I BE more dorky?- And things not to say in front of the family.

Yesterday we picked the MIL up from the airport- she was returning from a 5 day visit with the SIL- we were all over joyed to see her. ;) While we were waiting for her plane to land John (the Male Income Support Unit and beloved husband) mentioned that he was surprised that I had decided to come.

"I'm just here to eat, " I winked, "Don't tell her I said that, though." I knew the MIL would offer to buy us dinner, so taking an hour drive to and an hour drive back was worth it.

About 15 minutes later the MIL came strolling past security, and hugs were given all around.

"I'm so happy you all came!" she exclaimed... and just seconds later Anna (my 6 yr old) says, while thumbing in my general direction," She's just here to eat."

Oh really, the MIL says while I try to pretend like it's no big deal that my daughter is getting a kick out of watching me turn red. "Why did you tell her that? " I whispered.

"Because I thought it would be funny."

Oh dear. What . Have . I . Done. My daughter, having always been wise (and sarcastic) beyond her years, has gleaned at this tender age that there is enormous entertainment value in humiliating your gene pool. I have no idea where she got that from.

"Yup," I try to say casually," I'm just here for the food." I wink at the MIL, and then hiss at Anna that she wasn't supposed to share that little tidbit.

Fast forward about an hour, while we sit enjoying our various forms of cooked meat. A BeeGee's song comes on and John and I exchange snickers because while I was in the shower I had told him that I want a BeeGee's Cd, then we heard one of their songs in the car on the way over. My MIL looks up at me, of course and gives me a questioning look.

"Well," I gulp down a piece of prime rib,"I was just telling John today that for Mother's Day I would like a BeeJay-"

Oh God. Why must I insist on opening my mouth? I sit there trying to hide behind my hands, with my mouth open, turning every shade of red. I really should take up sign language... but then there is always the possibility that I will tell someone that "it's very nice to mate" them, or some such thing.

My MIL doesn't skip a beat, and shrugs," I thought that that was a traditional Father's Day present, but OK." I'm guessing she is holding a grudge for the "just here to eat" comment.

If you know me, I tend to say the most ridiculous things when under stress and at times of extreme embarrassment, sometimes to bring the focus off of me. And sometimes just because I'm and idiot. " Uhh, well... I read on the net that a guy invented a holiday just for guys. It's called Steak and BJ Day."

Why. WHY? Why do I do it?

"Well, you've got your steak. My part is done," my MIL says matter of factly, pointing at John with her steak knife, with a smirk. She's known me 19 years, I guess nothing shocks her anymore.

I bet you can't guess what happened next? Yup, I opened my mouth again. I have a problem.

"I'm guessing that moms aren't usually part of the equation on Steak and BJ Day," I manage, wanting to stick my fork in an appendage to make it all stop. Bad mental image. BAD!

The MISU, not being very fond of discussing the possible goings on of his nether regions becomes very rigid and motionless. Of course I try to explain about wanting a BeeGee's CD not a BeeJay, but I am stammering and laughing nervously at the same time, John just shakes his head- as he is accustomed to doing- and a barely perceptible smile passed his lips after I stare in his direction for a seconds on end... for signs of life and a hint that he isn't thinking about killing me at that moment.

A few minutes of me wanting to die later, he says, "Beejays on Mother's Day? YES! I'm in."

I'm thinking my husband is considering hog tying and tranquilizing me brefore he lets me out of the house the next time.

Happy Mother's day to me.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

On Dorkiness and kitchen fires...:)

Fire.....not always the dorks best friend........but lets admit it...pretty fun to watch though eh? :)

This post is inspired by events that happend last night. The odd event that will forever be the "Kitchen Fire".

Now friends, don't over react, the Zig household is no stranger to kitchen fires....infact, we've gotten pretty good at them....practice makes perfect and all..:)

Last night was different...things were mello....lovely wife and I were yakking, she decides to warm up some left over chicken. I love my wife...really I do, but she refuses to use the microwave for these types of things. Her stance...microwave makes it soggy....I didn't buy soggy fried chicken...granted she has a point.

So the chicken is in the oven.....and then the smell of smoke, Agrah runs into the kitchen and I hear..."ZIG!". This is never a good signal. Quick run to the kitchen, open the oven.....we are running a chicken creamatorium. My best edited version of what I said...WOW!! Thats a F***ing lot of flames......then I closed the oven door.

See....this is when I thought I was being sly, thinking the flames would get bored and run out of air...etc. I'm a this under control. I was wrong!! :)

I got curious...opened the oven door, which gave it more air, and *WOOF*...we still had chicken creamation in progress....this is when I decided to man up and do super cool man in control stuff.

I run to the fireplace and grab my super heat of steel mill foundry mit (rated at 600f) and open the stove....wife is holding the front door open by now and daughter is asking things like "mommy.....whats that smell", from her room.

I proudly walk through the dining room bearing a cookie sheet full of flaming chicken out the front door, to the sidewalk....and sigh. Keep in mind, I'm in PJ shirt...and a steel mill iron workers mit..

I think we scare our nieghbors.....the lovely wife wasn't hungry after still smells like smoke....:)

Wordless Wednesday- You know it!

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Fashion Dorksaster vol 2

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Cutting Edge fashion Statement?


Damned Fool wearing the equivalent of the emperor's new necklace?

IF you cannot read the fine print in the corner, this stunning Yves Saint Laurent necklace is priced at $1165.00. No, I didn't stutter. Not only was this necklace made, but someone actually put a twelve hundred dollar price tag on it with a straight face. Did you ever see the episode of Lucy where Fred and Ricky trick the girls into wearing burlap sacks as the latest Paris fashions? Just wondering...